A blog dedicated to Karin Brown...to help cure her lack of blogs to read.
I figured I would write a will now since my unborn child is trying to kill me and I might not make it long enough to look up a lawyer, make an appointment and then get all the paperwork filled out. The internet is legally binding isn't it?
To Leah, my unborn child I leave....
1. One gallon of sweat, all from today, a small rubber mallet for hitting herself in the head and a stick to poke her stomach with, so she may see the misery she caused her poor mama before her untimely death.
2. Two boxes full of empty cd cases that have moved 3 times even though all the cd's were stolen out of my car while I was still in college.
3. All of her dad's "family heirlooms" and enough money to rent a truck and take it all the The Antique's Roadshow and find out just how much it's really worth. This includes our most important "family heirloom", the ceramic Easter Bunny that has a date made sticker of 1982.
4. My favorite book, "Where Does the Garbage Go". Her Auntie Ali may try to take it from her since it does say property of Alice Lorraine Yeagley in the front but Leah will need it more. Her dad will say bad things about recycling after I am gone and she needs to know the truth.
5. All 3 dogs and the cat. The dogs will need to be walked twice a day. Please put all the poop bags in the big green bin next to the garage. That is where we keep our poop collection. The cat will likely try to sit on her.
6. The creepy Jesus painting.
7. Uncle Jake's cardboardy doppleganger. She can take it to show and tell when she gets older.
8. All the nativity scenes we have made every christmas including the one made of clay and the one made of cotton balls and the one in which every character in the nativity has a different disease and people have to guess what it is.
9. Jake's wife Therese, I'm sure she'll win us in the divorce.
10. The alarm clock that has some lights out that her grandma bought for me in middle school and I have been too lazy to replace it since then.
This may not seem like much but she is responsible for my demise. In the event that I survive, I am going to drive to NYC, switch her in the middle of the night with Shawn's pug, fake my death and run off to Costa Rica with her college money. Bear and I will live happily ever after.
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11 comments:
If the B.O.B. gets my wife, then I want Dave. To take me fishin' and to tell me how if we just got rid of all the Muslims everywhere, everyone would be better off.
Can I have Murphy? Leah doesn't need her with all those other dogs.
It is hilarious your siblings are asking for "things."
Really though, I thought when I was prego with Big A "why would anyone EVER choose to do this again?!" But I did again and really labor is MUCH worse!
You will all have to take it up with Leah. I clearly cannot control her will. If I could, I would not be so miserable.
As the most religious in the family, I feel that I am entitled to at least one nativity set. While the fake Jake would make an excelent show n' tell, I feel that bringing the real Uncle Jake would be much more noteworthy.
PS I like Leah's name.
Karen,
First, let me say how badly I feel knowing you are going through this, and, on top of all the discomfort, having to know that it was your gender's trangressions against a loving God that put you in this position in the first place. Oh, if only you could go back and reason will that prideful Eve!
Next: My doggy? MY doggy? You have chosen well, dear Karen. No disrespect to your imminent offspring, of course, but all your dreams and (let's face it) fantasies about living the Bear Fantastic are true, true, true.
Nevertheless, when you see the gift Catherine and I are picking up for your child this weekend you will prefer to be alive. I think. Well...don't hold me to that. Still, you're going to like where this is going.
Please pick me up on the way to Costa Rica so we can finally live out our double life. I will cuddle with Bear on the days that you have to command the slaves on the farm as Karen and on the days I am Karen you can sleep all day. I won't even make you take your thyroid medication or call you a sissy.
Dear Karen,
If Bear should ever leave Shawn and Catherines arms - he's all mine. I think Grandparents have the legal right as well as a moral obligation.......Sorry
Leah was on our short list of girl's names before Evan arrived as a boy. It's my favorite.
I can't believe I didn't comment here yet. What's my problem? Great post, as usual. And I tagged you.
This reminds me that I need to jot down an unofficial will that will count until I have an official one. It will include Tyler getting married within one year and that is unnegotiable.
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