Revenge of the Liccorice Fall Guy

One time Ali and I stole some liccorice out of the cupboard when we weren't supposed to. Our mom found the wrapper evidence and Ali let me take the fall even though it was her idea in the first place.

Therefore, yesterday I did the following things:

*Made my sister Emily call her while she was getting electrodes stuck to her head to tell her that the old lady that was kidnapped from her neighborhood was found in a wash in bad shape and the guy that did it is still on the loose and is trying to break into more houses in their neighborhood and the police came around to warn everyone (I actually had a much less credible lie that Emily had to mold into this masterpiece)

*Forced her to eat food she knew would make her really sick really fast so she would get a really severe stomach ache

*Made her look at pictures of aborted babies and animal cruelty from drug and cosmetic testing while getting her own blood drawn while me and two other technicians yelled at her repeatedly to open her eyes and look. LOOK AT THE PICTURES AND LOOK AT ALL THE BLOOD!

*Made her drink Coca Cola Classic that expired in 2005 that she reported tasted like sewage. I didn't do this on purpose though.

I did not do the following things but was prepared to if needed:

*Slap her in the face

*Turn on a strobe light

*Have a random stranger call from my cell phone to tell her I was in a car accident

*Force her to debate me on making third trimester abortions, testing on prisoners and mandatory sterilization for crack addicts legal while I flicked her in the face

In the name of science, Amen.

Tournament Picks

My work is kindly hosting one of those tournament pick things where everyone fills in the brackets for March Madness and then whoever wins gets money. They are footing the bill so it doesn't cost anything to enter. I know nothing about basketball so I had to come up with a way to make my picks.

Emily suggested I take the mascots from each team and see who could win in a fight. We had a really lengthy discussion about hats with legs vs. turtles and poisonous nuts vs. I don't remember what the other mascot was. Anyhow, I decided not to use that method since I don't know many mascots so the research it would take would be equivelant to looking up to see who was better and making legitimate choices.

I also thought about doing it alphabetically backwards. I decided that wasn't fun enough. The method I picked was this. For each school, I chose the team for which I knew someone who attended or lived near there. Then when I had people I knew from each team I figured it based on who would win in a fight. It was a tough choice. I had to choose between some really tough competitions. Like, who would win in a fight between my parents and Devin. This was a really tough choice because there are two of my parents and one Devin but my parents aren't much for fighting and Devin is all athletic and stuff.

Also, I had to pit Ali and Jake. They have a long history with no clear winner and now they are all friendly. I had to pick Ali because it was UNC and she still had a lot of her fury back in her UNC days.

I'm sorry Emily and AJ, but I put my money on April when you had to fight her because I know neither of you would ever hit my sister and she would definately hit you if I got her drunk enough.

I also had to make some tough choices among people who's fighting skills I'm not that familiar. Who would win between Aunt Nancy and Uncle Gary vs Dave's cousin Julie? That Julie sure has a lot of Moxie but she's so small and there's two of them. I decided their's would be a battle of wits and still couldn't come out with a winner. Both sides are really intelligent.

My mom did lose to one of my old bosses. She was like Miss Trunchbull from Matilda. I think she secretly had a chokey in her cubicle.

Emily and AJ beat the lady that cuts my hair and all the Stewarts living in Cali beat the receptionist here at work's boyfriend.

Devin beat the Trunchbull.

But as we all know, nothing beats the fury that comes from my lovely sister Ali. Congrats UNC. Get me $150.

Least Dangerous Roommate I Ever Had

I think everyone should be in a car pool. Not because of all the gas you save and less traffic. Because it is where you have some good conversation. Todays topic. Least dangerous roommate I ever had. Emily's is a girl named Amy. Mine is Mack Dockery. Here are some fun facts and stories about Mack.

This is not actually Mack but he kind of looks like this.

-Mack was 73 years old. He is probably dead now. If he is alive, he is 78.



-Mack had 2 pictures hanging on his wall, a drinking dipolma and a Bob Ross painting he did himself



-I saw Mack naked twice.



-Mack believed Sears, insurance companies and Social Security were conspiring to take his money



-Mack thought running a fridge would cost too much for electricity so he put the perfectly good fridge in the basement and stacked two mini fridges in the kitchen. One for me and one for him.



-Mack said all the shows that get filmed at night are done so the networks can save money on lighting and when I told him they are actually filmed during the day and then they darken them in editing he didn't believe me.



-Mack thought I worked in a slipper factory because when I wrote down my work phone number he mistook a 9 for a 5 and called a slipper factory. No matter how many times I told him I didn't work there he always thought I did. The people at the slipper factory also told him I didn't work there but he didn't believe them either.



-Mack had 14 siblings and grew up in the Appalaichan Mountains in a house with no plumbing and electricity. He knocked up his girlfriend at 16 and decided he didn't want to live his father's life and take over at the mill so he skedaddled and left the kid and the girlfriend to become a high plains drifter. He got jobs in factories and on farms and would work to the first paycheck, buy a lot of whiskey and hit the road. He would hitch a ride however he could, trucks, trains whatever. He made it all the way to California. He was a hobo. Yeah, I lived with a hobo.



-Mack is wary of living with women. He never got married and didn't much care for his sisters. When I first called to rent a room he hung up on me and called back later. When I moved out he told me that if living with a woman was like living with me, it wouldn't be so bad. I took that as a high complement despite the fact that he kind of told me I wasn't a woman. I apparently didn't have nearly as much cosmetics and knick knacks as he thought one would come with and I came with my own fire extinguisher so I wasn't such a hazard. A side note though, Emily, try not to scream in your cubicle, it's not professional. Mack didn't want to live with ladies but that didn't mean Mack didn't like the ladies. He had copious amounts of an herbal supplement to strengthen his libido and there were constantly phone calls from anonymous women.



-After I moved out, I still checked up on Mack now and then. Once, he didn't return my phone calls for a few days and so I left him a message saying if he didn't call me back I would assume he was dead and break into his house. The reason he didn't call me back was because he got a bottle of whiskey one night and got really drunk. He fell down the stairs on the way to his room and passed out. Jeff, who we will get to in a minute, is a hypochondriac. He called 911 and the operator told him to see if Mack was breathing. Jeff explained that he could not because Mack was bleeding and he might get a disease if he went downstairs. They argued for a half hour about this until the ambulance showed up. Mack spent a day or two in the hospital and didn't call me back because he was back home but still didn't feel like getting out of his birthday suit and was afraid I would come over.



-Jeff is the guy who rented the room before and after me. Mack took care of Jeff. Jeff was a born again who's church told him the reason he was sick was that there were demons in the house. He had to leave. Jeff was an orderly at a hospital, a terrible job for a hypchondriac to have. Every day he would come over to Mack's and Mack would wash his shoes and shoelaces for him. Mack called him Howard Hughes, or Mr. Hughes if he was feeling formal. Jeff would go to Taco Bell and buy five burritos hoping one would not be contaminated. He would watch all the news specials about mold and stuff and then throw everything out into the back yard. Dave and I would periodically have to come pick it all up and take it to Goodwill. I did get a nice toilet brush out of it though.



-Mack fed all the diseased and busted up stray cats in the neighborhood. There were about 20 cats that he had named.



-The reason he is the least dangerous roommate I ever had is that he was completely blind in one eye with tunnel vision in the other, he was completely deaf in one ear and could barely hear out of the other and he couldn't move very well.



I only lived there for two months. It was a good time.