Murphy is CRAZY and Leah Eats a Cupcake: Riveting Tales from The Bells.

She had a nervous breakdown or something. She started acting a little weird a few weeks ago. She wouldn't sleep in our room anymore. Then, she started following Dave around like she hadn't seen him in ages and had to spend every second with him. Then she stopped eating. Then she started shaking and wouldn't take her tail from between her legs. So I took her to the vet. She is in perfect health so it is all in her brain. She might have had mini strokes or have doggie Alzheimer's. Either way she's nuts. The best part is that her treatment is aroma therapy, treaties and if she gets too bad with the shaking, putting a t-shirt on her. Dave didn't believe me when I told him. He asked if I went to the vet of Liz. A reasonable assumption since she treats most things with treaties and walkies and loves to dress up her dog. We think most of the crazy had to do with Casey's blanket making a reappearance a year after his death and smelling up the joint. She's better but she still isn't normal. She doesn't like me anymore. If I try to get her to do something she just stares at me from across the room. The only time she is happy around me is if I'm letting her outside, onto the back porch or into any room where Dave is and I am not.

On a different note, I didn't get a free camera from the Internet but we did get a video camera for Christmas from the moms. I have spent the last two weeks trying to figure it out and learning valuable lessons. I know now that I yell at the cat too much. I also know that I didn't need to download a million and one codec converters and that all I had to do was convert the file to a wmv to edit it. I also know that Sony tech support is bad news. I also learned that I want a new computer. I like mine. I really do. But I don't want to have to take a half hour to upload 5 minutes of video footage and then take another hour to convert it to a file I can edit and then another half hour to load it on the internet. That is a long time for 5 minutes. I keep getting all these error messages about USB 2.0 making things go much faster. When I got this computer 7 years ago, many of these things that make computing a breeze didn't exist. I know I just need to figure out Dave's newer fancy scmancy Mac that edits videos much better and faster and stuff but Sony hates Dave's computer and Dave has to figure out a way to even get the footage on his computer at all. Then I'll be happy to use it. I promise.

The unfortunate lesson I haven't learned is how to convert the music in iTunes so I can load it in Windows Movie Maker and add songs to the video. Because of that, for the video below, instead of a lovely song I had selected from 150 kids songs to make a mom insane, you get what I believe is Leah's thoughts while eating a cupcake...in a robot voice. Don't worry, I will someday figure out how to add music. Robot commentary won't be permanent.

Enjoy.

Which is worse?

Dressing Leah as a ladybug in a costume made for a dog that would be small enough to belong to Paris Hilton or dressing her as Celine Dion with a full blond wig? 

Dave refused to dress Leah in the Halloween costume I picked for her because he said the blond wig was trashy. I said, blond hair becomes what the outfit makes it. The outfit was neither tight nor low cut so I say not trashy. We came upon this lovely gem of white silk ruffly onesie shirt and matching silk pants also in white and I felt we had  no choice but to dress her as Celine. 

On Halloween, Dave had to drop Leah off to me at work on his way to work. There was a parade of babies all day long dressed up in all sorts of cute outfits. My coworkers wanted Leah to be dressed as well. I called Dave and told him that if Leah wasn't dressed up he would have to answer to an angry administrative staff.  He took her to the Walmarts and found a costume for a dog that was so small it looked like Leah was wearing a vest. The hood had holes for dog ears and there was a hole between the wings for a leash. She did still look cute.

Later, when we got ready for trick or treat, we switched the outfit to Celine. She didn't want to wear the wig so Ali and Liz exchanged it for sunglasses and lots of jewelry. She became Liberachi/Elton John. She is after all a tiny dancer.  Ali posted pictures on her blog. Hopefully, she'll put the rest on flickr (not very subtle I know but really, get on it)

Because Emily's Blog is the Boss of Me.

But only for today.  She made a list of all the things her boy is up to and asked for a list from all us lazy bloggers even though she worded it much nicer.

Dave is ungrowing by leaps and bounds. I can't seem to get that boy to eat. I think it's because the giant orange tub of nuclear snacks my grandma was kind enough to give us is gone.  He has been walking for some time now. 39 years I think. With a brief period at age 2 where he gave it up. I know it isn't a contest between him and H but I really think Dave's development is really coming along.

I don't see him dance much like H does but that might be my fault. He has had all his friends come visit us. Dave said he is not my kid, he is my buddy. 

He also uses a lunch box.

Now for Emily....

Emily gave up working in exchange for a kid and a trip to PA. The kid I can see as a justification. The trip to PA? NOT A GOOD IDEA. DO YOU HEAR ME AJ? NOT A GOOD IDEA.

The other thing she gave up her employment for temporarily. The wrangle my kid. And she's pretty in need of wrangling these days. 

Emily makes genius foods like brownies with cut up Rolos in them. Sometime I think we should be pregnant at the same time so I can benefit from her late pregnancy food creations. One thing I think she'll never do is make CHOCOLATE BACON BARS. Ali says they are to die for. I would consider death as an alternative to eating one even though they have gotten rave reviews from several people.

Oh those two and their antics.

I need a new camera...

Because the drivers are no longer supported after Windows autimatically updated my life into boringness. So, I've decided to enter every internet contest to win one. So if you know of one, and don't mind the competition, forward it on. Maybe then I will start putting up more posts. Maybe not.

Now I will update you on the rest of the family since I know people will be angry if I only post this...

Dave got a haircut yesterday.

Murphy gets to come inside more and is much happier

Jack Jack lives with a dog named Rimshot and apparently behaves very well. Much better than he ever did here.

Paul got mad for no reason last night and bit me several times with her tiny kitty teeth. Then she got even more mad because I petted her on her belly where she hates it.

Leah can scoot around and has hijacked H's blog. She has no work ethic. She cries when we make her eat. She cries if she has to scoot too far. She basically cries when she has to make any effort at all. Except when she sticks out her tongue. I could not be more proud.

I got a haircut in May.

Ali Said I had to Tell the Internet

I got a piano. And Jack Jack moves out on Tuesday.

You're Welcome

Dear AJ Loves Em,

Did you mean thank you for this?

Well then you're welcome. I know how much you love yahd aht.

Love,

Mr. Fluffers

Murphy's Annual Haircut

It looks just as goofy as every other year. Maybe next year I'll shave her tail. She looks like a puppy when I do. She just doesn't have patience for it. She gets mad. There isn't enough sliced cheese in the world to make it ok. Then it gets followed up by a bath. Torture. She asked me this morning if I would just do 5 minutes of water boarding instead. 

Later, she'll have to chase some bunnies as revenge. Maybe I'll let her run away this afternoon.

Guess what Leah's new favorite toy is.....

The cat. The answer was the cat. And the cat loves her back.

Reginald Kenneth Dwight and Caryn Elaine Johnson Sitting in a Tree...

...Not using any technology.

Today's carpool discussion was centering around Elton John being interviewed on Whoopi's morning radio show.

Cubby said they should date because neither of them likes to use new technology. They don't need none of those new fangled computer thingys. I will say, only Whoopi mentioned that nothing is better than a good vest but I do believe Sir Elton will agree.

This led to Emily wondering if Elton John legally changed his name since he was knighted and all. I figured they knighted him Sir Elton John, nee whatever (which turned out to be Reginald Kenneth Dwight). The odd thing is the word nee. Nobody ever says that word out loud. Emily thinks it may be the first time she heard it.

Then we discussed the pregnant man. Emily doesn't understand why that lady married him since he didn't get all the parts necessary to complete the task. I don't understand why I didn't marry a half transgendered man who could carry the children so I wouldn't have to.

So, in conclusion, we need better morning radio shows here. Also, Whoopi and I have the same name but spelled different. I am Karen Elaine and she is Caryn Elaine. I better find me a good vest and quick.

Revenge of the Liccorice Fall Guy

One time Ali and I stole some liccorice out of the cupboard when we weren't supposed to. Our mom found the wrapper evidence and Ali let me take the fall even though it was her idea in the first place.

Therefore, yesterday I did the following things:

*Made my sister Emily call her while she was getting electrodes stuck to her head to tell her that the old lady that was kidnapped from her neighborhood was found in a wash in bad shape and the guy that did it is still on the loose and is trying to break into more houses in their neighborhood and the police came around to warn everyone (I actually had a much less credible lie that Emily had to mold into this masterpiece)

*Forced her to eat food she knew would make her really sick really fast so she would get a really severe stomach ache

*Made her look at pictures of aborted babies and animal cruelty from drug and cosmetic testing while getting her own blood drawn while me and two other technicians yelled at her repeatedly to open her eyes and look. LOOK AT THE PICTURES AND LOOK AT ALL THE BLOOD!

*Made her drink Coca Cola Classic that expired in 2005 that she reported tasted like sewage. I didn't do this on purpose though.

I did not do the following things but was prepared to if needed:

*Slap her in the face

*Turn on a strobe light

*Have a random stranger call from my cell phone to tell her I was in a car accident

*Force her to debate me on making third trimester abortions, testing on prisoners and mandatory sterilization for crack addicts legal while I flicked her in the face

In the name of science, Amen.

Tournament Picks

My work is kindly hosting one of those tournament pick things where everyone fills in the brackets for March Madness and then whoever wins gets money. They are footing the bill so it doesn't cost anything to enter. I know nothing about basketball so I had to come up with a way to make my picks.

Emily suggested I take the mascots from each team and see who could win in a fight. We had a really lengthy discussion about hats with legs vs. turtles and poisonous nuts vs. I don't remember what the other mascot was. Anyhow, I decided not to use that method since I don't know many mascots so the research it would take would be equivelant to looking up to see who was better and making legitimate choices.

I also thought about doing it alphabetically backwards. I decided that wasn't fun enough. The method I picked was this. For each school, I chose the team for which I knew someone who attended or lived near there. Then when I had people I knew from each team I figured it based on who would win in a fight. It was a tough choice. I had to choose between some really tough competitions. Like, who would win in a fight between my parents and Devin. This was a really tough choice because there are two of my parents and one Devin but my parents aren't much for fighting and Devin is all athletic and stuff.

Also, I had to pit Ali and Jake. They have a long history with no clear winner and now they are all friendly. I had to pick Ali because it was UNC and she still had a lot of her fury back in her UNC days.

I'm sorry Emily and AJ, but I put my money on April when you had to fight her because I know neither of you would ever hit my sister and she would definately hit you if I got her drunk enough.

I also had to make some tough choices among people who's fighting skills I'm not that familiar. Who would win between Aunt Nancy and Uncle Gary vs Dave's cousin Julie? That Julie sure has a lot of Moxie but she's so small and there's two of them. I decided their's would be a battle of wits and still couldn't come out with a winner. Both sides are really intelligent.

My mom did lose to one of my old bosses. She was like Miss Trunchbull from Matilda. I think she secretly had a chokey in her cubicle.

Emily and AJ beat the lady that cuts my hair and all the Stewarts living in Cali beat the receptionist here at work's boyfriend.

Devin beat the Trunchbull.

But as we all know, nothing beats the fury that comes from my lovely sister Ali. Congrats UNC. Get me $150.

Least Dangerous Roommate I Ever Had

I think everyone should be in a car pool. Not because of all the gas you save and less traffic. Because it is where you have some good conversation. Todays topic. Least dangerous roommate I ever had. Emily's is a girl named Amy. Mine is Mack Dockery. Here are some fun facts and stories about Mack.

This is not actually Mack but he kind of looks like this.

-Mack was 73 years old. He is probably dead now. If he is alive, he is 78.



-Mack had 2 pictures hanging on his wall, a drinking dipolma and a Bob Ross painting he did himself



-I saw Mack naked twice.



-Mack believed Sears, insurance companies and Social Security were conspiring to take his money



-Mack thought running a fridge would cost too much for electricity so he put the perfectly good fridge in the basement and stacked two mini fridges in the kitchen. One for me and one for him.



-Mack said all the shows that get filmed at night are done so the networks can save money on lighting and when I told him they are actually filmed during the day and then they darken them in editing he didn't believe me.



-Mack thought I worked in a slipper factory because when I wrote down my work phone number he mistook a 9 for a 5 and called a slipper factory. No matter how many times I told him I didn't work there he always thought I did. The people at the slipper factory also told him I didn't work there but he didn't believe them either.



-Mack had 14 siblings and grew up in the Appalaichan Mountains in a house with no plumbing and electricity. He knocked up his girlfriend at 16 and decided he didn't want to live his father's life and take over at the mill so he skedaddled and left the kid and the girlfriend to become a high plains drifter. He got jobs in factories and on farms and would work to the first paycheck, buy a lot of whiskey and hit the road. He would hitch a ride however he could, trucks, trains whatever. He made it all the way to California. He was a hobo. Yeah, I lived with a hobo.



-Mack is wary of living with women. He never got married and didn't much care for his sisters. When I first called to rent a room he hung up on me and called back later. When I moved out he told me that if living with a woman was like living with me, it wouldn't be so bad. I took that as a high complement despite the fact that he kind of told me I wasn't a woman. I apparently didn't have nearly as much cosmetics and knick knacks as he thought one would come with and I came with my own fire extinguisher so I wasn't such a hazard. A side note though, Emily, try not to scream in your cubicle, it's not professional. Mack didn't want to live with ladies but that didn't mean Mack didn't like the ladies. He had copious amounts of an herbal supplement to strengthen his libido and there were constantly phone calls from anonymous women.



-After I moved out, I still checked up on Mack now and then. Once, he didn't return my phone calls for a few days and so I left him a message saying if he didn't call me back I would assume he was dead and break into his house. The reason he didn't call me back was because he got a bottle of whiskey one night and got really drunk. He fell down the stairs on the way to his room and passed out. Jeff, who we will get to in a minute, is a hypochondriac. He called 911 and the operator told him to see if Mack was breathing. Jeff explained that he could not because Mack was bleeding and he might get a disease if he went downstairs. They argued for a half hour about this until the ambulance showed up. Mack spent a day or two in the hospital and didn't call me back because he was back home but still didn't feel like getting out of his birthday suit and was afraid I would come over.



-Jeff is the guy who rented the room before and after me. Mack took care of Jeff. Jeff was a born again who's church told him the reason he was sick was that there were demons in the house. He had to leave. Jeff was an orderly at a hospital, a terrible job for a hypchondriac to have. Every day he would come over to Mack's and Mack would wash his shoes and shoelaces for him. Mack called him Howard Hughes, or Mr. Hughes if he was feeling formal. Jeff would go to Taco Bell and buy five burritos hoping one would not be contaminated. He would watch all the news specials about mold and stuff and then throw everything out into the back yard. Dave and I would periodically have to come pick it all up and take it to Goodwill. I did get a nice toilet brush out of it though.



-Mack fed all the diseased and busted up stray cats in the neighborhood. There were about 20 cats that he had named.



-The reason he is the least dangerous roommate I ever had is that he was completely blind in one eye with tunnel vision in the other, he was completely deaf in one ear and could barely hear out of the other and he couldn't move very well.



I only lived there for two months. It was a good time.

Fat Bottomed Girl, You Make the Rockin' World Go Round

Only about 3% of the people who read this blog will understand that title. I know Liz will though. Anyhow, we tried to put Leah in the cloth diapers today. They have yet to fit her but I try about every other week. This time, she resembled Grimace with her purple sleeper and all that junk in her trunk. Have a looksie...







Get on your bike and ride, Leah. Or in your case, you're blue hippo that eats blocks.

I Hereby Nominate Dave and I for Parents of the Year

Cause we let Shatner be the primary care giver at our house.

Spring is Here

Leah has officially declared winter over. She does not think groundhogs are a good indicator of seasons. It's 75 degrees here and she wants to wear this dress before she grows out of it. Later, she will take the dogs for a nice long walk.

Jumping on the Recipe Bandwagon

Since everyone posts great recipes all the time I figured I would post one too. Most of you know I'm not much of a cook so this is a fairly easy crock pot recipe. It isn't often that Dave lets me near the thing so I don't make it often. This meal was actually discovered by Liz and I. We decided to do a little experimenting in the kitchen one day.


Slow Cooked Roast Leah
________________________

9 1/2 pounds Leah
6 cups Apple Juice
2 tsp Oregano
1 tsp Salt
1/2 tsp Black Pepper
1 Tbs Garlic Flakes

Mix spices and rub into skin of raw Leah. Place Leah in crock pot. Pour apple juice in bottom. Cook on low heat for 6 hours. Let stand for 30 minutes before serving. Best served with White Zinfandel. Serves 6.



This image shows all the ingredients ready for cooking in the crock pot.



Here is the meal ready to serve.




What a delicious meal. I could go for seconds.

My Dreams Came True and a Man Almost Died All for Ali's Birthday

I celebrated Ali's birthday all day today. Everything that happened was for her. It wasn't just me though. Many others celebrated as well.

At 2:00 am, a man crashed his pickup truck head on into the tree 10 feet away from Leah's room after knocking down a light pole in honor of Ali's 32 years of life.

I went to the doctor for my post natal checkup and let someone get pretty familiar in honor of Ali's 3.2 decades. I don't normally let people get that fresh unless they buy me computers and bikes and then marry me and father my child...but for Ali's birthday I let it slide.

Leah blew out a diaper in the front and the back just so she could put on a new outfit for the most important social event of the year, Ali's birthday party.

Most importantly, Chipotle opened a new location WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE OF MY HOUSE, and gave away free burritos all day for Ali's birthday. We decided to have Ali's birthday party there. We made Chipotle themed party hats and had a cake but we had to take the cake home and eat it because when we finished our burritos it was just us and 20 or so employees, who ate pizza instead of burritos.


Here I am, basking in the bliss of the close proximity to my house.


Here is Liz. We made the hats together on Pie Sunday. Long live Pie Sunday even if there is no pie!!!


Here is Emily. I think she would have worn her hat for the entire meal if it would have stayed on.


Dave was thoroughly embarrassed that we made him wear this hat and is dreading me putting this picture here. He is also worried that Candace, the manager, is going to post them on Chipotle's website since she took pictures of her own. He did say his burrito was good.


H had the best time because he made lots of lifelong friends, He had a good time despite his mom telling him that if he took off his hat, Aliens would be able to monitor his thoughts.


Leah opted to sleep since she wasn't going to get her burrito for another three hours or so.


Ali's cake was made of wheat. We celebrated being able to eat that as well. It says "WE LOVE WHEAT + ALI" in case you can't tell.




We had to put the candles on the sides since we ran out of room on the top.


Then I got to eat Ali.


We had one piece of cake left and Emily suggested in a whispery evil voice that we save it for Ali. AJ had to miss it for school. Nothing good ever comes from stupid dumb old school.

HAPPT BIRTHDAY ALI. I hope tomorrow is just as eventful for Dad's birthday, So far I have an oil change lined up. Can't wait.

Scooters and Baby Mullets: The Story of Last Month

Big month last month. HUGE month last month. So we all know I had the Big Orange Baby and she turned out to weigh in at 6 pounds, 13 ounces with dark brown hair. This in combination with a lot of other things has made me not blog. Mostly my own laziness. Let this be the official Big Orange Family holiday newsletter. We have never sent one before so it's really a step up and not down. Mom, this is not the kind of blog post you like and you already know all the info in it so don't bother to read it.

Let the updating begin...

1st. The Big Orange Baby has finally become big and orange. Her hair lightened to a lovely orangeish shade and she is rapidly gaining weight. So much so that she has already grown out of all the clothes Grandma Nancy was kind enough to buy her. Sometimes I think if I had a few more of her, I could go to Egypt and build a new pyramid. Then H comes over and I realize he is like the Andre the Giant of babies. I have decided his head will be my new unit of measurement. Special thanks to the Righters and Carriers for all the yummy food. For it was that what put the big in Big Orange Baby.

2nd. I noticed that in blogger the examples of labels for posts are scooters, vacation and fall. The latter two seem reasonable but really, how many people do you know that need a whole category for scooters. This is my first and only post ever labeled and I promise I will somehow work scooters into it.

3rd. Christmas was loverly. Grandma Nancy was kind enough to come visit and help me out a ton. She stayed for almost two weeks. I will be sad to have my month of no baby crying outside the door showers and no baby in the front carrier mad that she can't see dog walks over. We miss her very much.

4th. Grandma Yeagley came after Christmas and helped me out another ton. I barely had room in my house for all the tons of help I have been getting. Grandpa also came and between all of us, we built my new office. I like it a lot.

5th. Jack Jack, our streak of evil white dog, weighs about 3 H heads and is strong enough that he can pull me on a razor scooter down the street. It is really fun and I recommend everyone come over for a ride. Perhaps when the weather is a little nicer. He enjoys it so don't worry about the animals harmed or exploited for my own entertainment. It is actually the only way that he can run as fast as he wants to since I am really not much of a runner at all.

6th. A bittersweet goodbye. Liz moved all the way to Apex. I really needed to have her room to be a home office but I miss her so much. Why couldn't she just build a house in the common area behind my house? I think Sophie considered it her day of liberation. At least we'll have pie Sunday (if I ever stop canceling it).

7th. The great hair debate. Although Leah's hair has definately lightened to a nice orange, the question remains, is the hair in the back duck hair or a mullet? I say baby mullet. Dave says duck hair. It started out that it was just a little longer in the back. then the top started falling out. She has a mullet. I don't see how the point can be argued. I believe Dave just doesn't want to admit his daughter was born with the same haircut he sported when he won homecoming king back in 1986.

8th. Ali's nickname for Scott is Scooter.

9th. Ali wanted really badly to have a drama free year. She almost or maybe did pass out at the doctor on January 3rd. She made it 3 days. The doctor seemed really freaked out and didn't want me to leave him alone with her so badly that he made a nurse go get her some juice. It took them 7 tries to get her blood pressure. Leah decided that was the perfect moment to do a big job in her pants and scream about it. No matter how I tried to explain that this was not about her right now she wouldn't be quiet. You just can't reason with that kid.

10th. I cried 2 H heads full of tears. Hormones are tricky devils. I haven't cried this much since I started birth control for the first time. Or when Josh fell off the wood pile and broke his arm and I thought it was my fault for not telling on them because I knew they were doing something wrong. Yes, I was a big sissy when I was little. Then again as a first time mom. I cried for the following reasons...
They are opening a Chipotle within walking distance of my house
Maria was sent back to the convent on the Sound of Music
Leah was crying in the car with me while Dave was inside buying diapers
We took her to the doctor
Breastfeeding hurts. I cried many times for this.
Leah was crying because I ate pepperoni pizza and it made her stomach hurt and I couldn't do anything about it
Leah is pretty
At least 4 t.v. commercials.

11th. Dave and I have combined sucked out 1 H head's worth of snot with that magic blue rubber ball.

12th. Our heat broke. It was out for 2 days. We holed up in our bedroom. We had 2 adults, 2 dogs, 1 baby and 1 cat all sleeping in our bed at various points. Don't worry, the baby was not sleeping at the same time as the adults. We know it is unsafe. Big thanks to AJ who spent hours working with Dave on it and to Brian, Ashley's fiance, who finally made it work. Also thanks to Liz, Scott, Emily, AJ and Ali who all offered us a warm place to hang out until it was fixed. Leah is really sick of being wrapped up in seven million blankets. She wants to stretch those gams of hers as much as possible. On a nice note, we have extended the holidays because the most warmest sleepers we have for her are all the babies first Christmas ones.

13th. Mom, Ali, Leah and I took a trip to VA to visit Mummu and cousins. We had a good time. We all got sick. Dave was right. I hope he doesn't read this part.

14th. The Great Game Exchange finally happened and we played a game called Fib or Not in which we learned my Dad's first kiss was with a girl named Charmin Somerfrucht (pronounced Summer Fruit).

15th. Leah had a baby blessing by her Grandpa.

16th. A scooter (really a corruption of the word scoter) is a large black diving duck.

Loveliest Holiday Wishes to All,

Love The Bells