The Best Day of Work Ever.

So I have a really gross rash. It is called PUPPP. I went to the doctor and they gave me a steroid cream that gives me a feeling of euphoria. They warned me it might happen but I didn't know the complete goodness that would be my day yesterday. I only have to put the cream on the actual rash so as it goes away I use less and less and have less and less euphoria. Yesterday however, was the first day of the cream so the rash was all over my stomach, arms and legs and I spread that sweet goodness on 2/3 of my body. What a wonderful morning. I spent 1 hour of it staring at my computer giggling and most of the rest of the time staring at the receptionist giggling. She and the office manager tried to take advantage of my drunken state by asking me to do things I wouldn't normally do. The magical cream allowed me to keep my sensibilities but still have all the good feelings. It was like laughing gas but I could see straight. I wish everyone could have this cream. I think we all need it. Every day. Don't worry Jake, if there is any left I will definately send it to you.

Call for recipes.

Ali has been told she has to go completely gluten free so I am putting out a call for recipes that are wheat free, gluten free, nut free, melon free, shell fish free and peanut free. This rules out oat flour as a substitute. She does good with rice flour. I am not a cooking type of person and she is too sick to do much research on her own. I am hoping to compile a bunch of recipes and get her family, friends and Relief Society to pitch in and help out making her some food.

Please see if you can find anything and post it in my comments.

It's Big, It's Orange and It's a Baby

It is official. The Big Orange Baby is big. She weighs in right now at a whopping 7 pounds. With four weeks to go she will likely be born at 8 pounds. Just like her mama. Not like her eensy weensy daddy who was a mere 5 pounds. I would be willing to be $5 that 3 of those pounds are from Aquanet since she is working on her hair still. How I managed to raise such a vain daughter I will never know.

Leah's Luscious Lenugo Locks

Potential portrait of my lovely Leah

I was at the doctor with my sister the other day and we were trying to schedule a procedure around my due date and the nurse made a rather strange comment. She said the reason Leah hasn't yet been born is because she is doing her hair and make up so she will be pretty when she comes out.

The first image to pop into my head was of Leah, looking like a monkey and combing her lenugo. She hasn't got any hair on her head so I imagine she has one of those small black combs you get at school for picture day and she is combing that fine hair all over her body. Then I picture the wolf people from circus freak shows.

I am thinking I need to schedule a c-section right away because if I push her out the traditional way, most of her hair will come off and she will be one angry baby since she is clearly spending at least 4 weeks working on making sure the part in her knee hair is really straight.

Secondly, I hope she has waterproof mascara because if she makes her grand entrance into the world with smudged eyes, none of us will be impressed and it may be like a scene from Carrie. You just don't realize how tough parenting will really be.

I Got Your Blog War Right Here

I have a confession to make. My husband has some disabilities. He has an unfortunate condition in which he cannot perceive a situation correctly. He can take a simple statement not related to him or about him and turn it into persecution toward himself. His paranoia runs deep. For example. I mentioned to him that it was NaBloPoMo or whatever that is supposed to really be and that we knew some people that were participating but I was not. I had briefly considered making daily comments on those blogs out of support but decided that I wouldn't make promises I couldn't keep. Poor Dave took that to mean that, Liz, Ali and I were forcing him to blog every day. Do you see what a sad life he must lead?

I know you must all be thinking how generous I am to marry such a person with so much strife. In addition to his disability, he is over 100 years old and wants to force me to work concessions for the rest of my life. I am very generous internet. I just can't help it. I love him and he helps us to maintain a higher ratio of orange in our household. Now that Casey has passed we only have 1 orange dog left and so the 2 of us must strive to offset the gray cat and other small demon white dog.

Hopefully, someday there will be a cure for his disability.

I Got Tons of Loot and I didn't Even Have to Eat Unlabled Baby Food

2007 marks the year of the best baby shower ever had. There are so many things that make it superior.

1. Full Thanksgiving Meal
2. Ali dressed as a slutty trophy wife
3. I was able to take the prettiest baby dress ever and make it wierd (it was being pulled on a sled led by a ceramic dog)
4. The only game played was a murder mystery in which everyone wore costumes and really got into their parts. I don't think I have ever seen such good impromptu actors in my life.
5. The cake had turkeys dressed in diapers
6. My dad came
7. The awsomest ever people that threw it made it the perfect baby shower for me by having an office gift exchange as part of the party so I wouldn't have to sit in the middle of the room and open all the presents whilst everyone stared at me oohing and aahing
8. My husband spent the entire night hitting on his cousin
9. My husband in the game was an infant. I guess now I know a little about how Dave feels being married to me, a person more than a decade younger than him. I don't typically ask him to change my diaper though.
10. The Golden Girls came
11. Fallon's glasses.
12. Dave and I are 80% equipped for the Big Orange Baby. She is coming in 7 weeks or so.


There are many more reasons that I can't remember at the present moment because I am really pregnant and dumber than the mechanical dancing turkey that currently adorns our tv cabinet but I just want to say thank you again to Ali, Liz, Emily and anyone else that helped them to get this. I think this party has outdone all the other ones we did but I may be biased because it was so tailored towards me.

Also, thanks to everyone who came and everyone who has sent us gifts. This is not a cheesy replacement for real thank you cards. I will send you one.

One more thing...Liz...are you my mummy?

BBQ Angst

Dave got a new grill for his birthday. It brings a whole new joy to Hunk-a-Chuck Sunday, much like the new apron he got from the Righters to commerate this blessed weekly occasion. What is really the most funny is that Dave has a new grill log. I win and I lose. I, his anal retentive wife, push Excel spreadsheets on people like it is crystal meth. I believe they are magical and addictive. I will always format the first one for free. Now, he is using it to perfect his meat preparation. I don't hate pork and beef but I don't love it as much as he does. Liz and I like to pretend that Dave's log entries go a little something like this...

Date: 10/14/07
Weather: Sunny
Wind: Lite at about 10 mph
Temp: mid 70's
Meat: Pork (10 lbs)

Dear BBQ Grill Log,

It has been a rough day today. Karen and Liz still complain about the vast amounts of meat I prepare each Sunday. Every week I tell Liz, "This is the week if ever to change your life forever and try a succulent piece of non poultry meat". Every week she rebuffs me with a scoff and some Wendy's chicken nuggets. When will she see the light? I think about reading passages to her from my new BBQ cookbook that I got for my birthday to help her see the error of her ways but she just won't listen.

On another note, I am a little concerned. I just love the new grill so much that I'm worried when Leah is born I won't be able to choose between it and her. I know she is my daughter but she doesn't smoke anything.

I heard a new joke today... An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. 'Let's have a BBQ party, Homer,' she suggested. 'Let's kill a pig.' The farmer scratched his grizzled head. 'Gee, Ethel,' he finally answered, 'I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Well anyhow, I have to go check the temp or that Boston Butt will never be done.

Until next Sunday,

Dave

Please get your forms in by noon on the 20th

Tonight we were discussing employee evaluations at work and decided perhaps we should have home evaluations as well. Here is a summary of what was discussed.

Dave on Liz:
Liz is froo froo, she won’t try new things, she can’t keep secrets and she gets around. She is not however, snooty. Liz is a communist. Liz has stolen Dave’s tv show and ruined it for him.

Dave on Karen:
Karen is also froo froo and a communist. Karen has recently started making everyone who gets up get her stuff. Karen says it is because she is really pregnant and it is hard to move. Dave has better things to do with his time besides make Karen “milk shakes” all day. Karen also has stolen Dave’s tv shows in the past and Dave will have to go back and start completely over.

Karen on Dave:
Dave is continually trying to give Karen a heart attack by making plans to sell barbeque out of a van on the side of the road with a guy named Andy that she has never met. Karen would like a camera crew to follow Dave around and record all the things he says so when he tells her that certain parts of her lower half are in severe pain from her lying she will have evidence.

Karen on the dogs:
They smell bad and shed too much. Casey is way past his expiration date and if the cat tries to make out with her anymore, the cat is permanently moving to the porch.

Dave on the dogs:
Casey doesn’t smell bad. He has a purebred smell that is neither good nor bad. As soon as he passes, he will immediately be replaced with another giant hairy red dog.

Liz on Dave:
Dave doesn’t listen very well. He should just accept the fact that Liz does not eat beef or pork. He should also stop trying to convince her that her life would change for the better if she would just eat more meats. Liz is not a communist. Liz enjoys watching television with the entire household and Dave will not cooperate and refuses to join in the social activities therefore putting a halt to all household good time fun.

Liz on the dogs:
When it is cold, the dogs are obligated to keep Liz warm.

Karen on Liz:
The color of Liz’s hair is dirty.

Liz on Karen:
On her birthday, Karen has a responsibility to celebrate herself.

As if you spent your morning doing anything better.

I'm sorry Ann, but when you posted this picture of Evan, I got all these images in my head and I had to get them out. Your son looks like he could be robbing trains in the Old West for a living (or maybe in the New West. I don't know how easy that would be these days). Please don't take offense. I think your son is very cute. Emily said you would be ok with it so get mad at her instead.

I may not be a good artist but I know what funny is.

Also, sorry that some lady decided to wear the tightest jeans she could find on the ranch.

Per Jake's Request...

...here is our family portrait.

Fact: I am not a good drawer in Paint (That is Drah-err, not like a dresser drohr)

Fact: I am really not a good drah-err anywhere. I shouldn't just blame a bad program. After all, Paint really did provide Jake with seconds of entertainment on my last post.

Fact: Our mother did not leave us, she is merely on vacation in the post below.

Fact: All the kids are wearing our Yeagley numbered shirts but the numbers are on the back. Dad is wearing his General Cleanup shirt but I didn't even want to attempt to draw Mr. Clean.

Fact: The only attempt at any emotion I made in my artwork is Jake is growling and clenching his fists to show how strong he is. I hear he wants to poke the bear now that she has butt brain.

Fact: The Bear really is much closer to Jake's height in real life but I figured it would add to his showing of strength (really I just have no spacial concept and figured I would make it look intentional)

I don't blame my mom for much...

I don't have a picture of my mom at work so here is one that I drew.

...but I can't fall asleep at night anymore. I have had much time to lay in bed, eat Tums and analyze this situation. I feel it is a combination of my mom's fault and my sister Ali.

I have been a champion sleeper my whole life. I could sleep at any time anywhere. I even fell asleep once at a rock show. A very loud rock show. Now all of the sudden I can't do that anymore. I wind up waking up at 2:00 am and reading for a couple hours just to fall asleep again. My first suspicion was that it was caused by Leah, the bad tenant in my belly. She, however, has been very quiet lately. Probably due to the fact that she knows I'm coming after her for the 6 months of back rent.

But then it hit me. It is the family trait that my mom passed on to my older sister and now to me. I realized that I started taking Thyroid medication right when I got pregnant and now all of the sudden I have my thyroid regulated to the way it should be so it is no longer giving me the gift of a full night of sleep. Darn you thyroid medication. Now that the big problem is taken care of all the little ones can come out, like insomnia. Not cool Mom, not cool.

The reason I blame Ali is because she suffers from insomnia and even though I know it is not contagious, she once blamed me for making her sick even though I was many states away and had not seen her for close to a year. So if that was possible, then so is this. Not cool Ali, not cool.

I sure do miss my Subclinical Hypothyroidism. Maybe it will visit me for a long weekend sometime.

Also not helpful are Jack Jack and Paul. Jack waits until I am asleep to jump on the bed and pin me under my blankets so I can't move and therefore can't sleep. Paul enjoys licking my eyelids and attempts to lick inside my ears at all the wee hours of the morning. She also likes to eat whatever book I am reading.

This is Jack Jack.

This is Paul

8 Things

Emily tagged me. I don't really like to put much about me out on the Internet. So instead. I will post 8 things I know about Emily from when we were little and now that we have reconnected 23 years later.

Emily then...

1. Emily had the best multicolored sweater that I always wanted. Looking back now I know I could have never pulled it off what with my fair complexion and uncooperatively colored hair. Someday, I will find the picture of it and show her. Also, uncooperatively is not a word but I think it fits this sentence nicely.

2. Emily and I had 1 fight in all our 5 years of original friendship. We (her, me and many of our siblings) were sleeping in the living room at her house and for some reason Emily and I wanted to use the same blanket and fought over it. We were trying to kick it off of each other and instead decided to see how long we could kick it and keep it in the air. Thus, the end of the fight.

3. When Emily and I went to Rec School, the rumor is, we would not play with anyone else or participate in any activities. Not true, we just realized our awesomeness and knew we didn't need anyone else or their dumb songs. If they came up with an activity that was worthy of us, like finger painting with pudding, we gladly participated.

4. Emily's dad used to hook some kind of cart to the back of his motorcycle and we would ride in it for fun. I was afraid of this because I came from the house of mandatory seat belt checks and such things scared me. We might as well have jumped off the roof for all the damage that was about to be done. I wanted no part of the road rash that was a guarantee with that scariness. I was a firm believer that if you didn't wear a seat belt you would have no choice but to suffer in a horrible accident and likely die. Emily talked me into going because her dad never drove very fast and it turned out to be one of the most fun things I had done up to that age. Since then, I have bravely not worn a seat belt on a few occasions and lived to tell the tale. Don't worry Mom and Dad. It wasn't within 6 miles of my home so I had a better chance statistically.

Emily now...

5. Emily is afraid of animals. This is no surprise to anyone. But she was willing to risk that and care for Jack Jack, the most poorly behaved of all my animals, while AJ was at scout camp by herself. That is truly dedicated friendship.

6. Emily wrote a really long thesis that was full of all kinds of useful information that I can't currently remember. What I do remember is this... Rabbit Brain, Jittering and Diggle. Nothing can be all bad if it has those words in it. On my part, that is truly dedicated friendship.

7. Emily and my lives have had some odd similarities. I don't know if the fact that we both are fake math people or that we ended up in NC has anything to do with us being friends in our early years but there is something that I now secretly blame her for. I have mostly pink underwear. I used to think it was because nobody in the entire world would ever think that I would have pink underwear. It is not me at all. That was a little amusing to me. Now I believe it is because Emily loves pink enough that it left a lasting impression on my life that doesn't fit in with the rest of me so it had to be hidden...in my pants.

8. Emily has a dream analyzer on hand. Of all the consultants to just know, this one ranks pretty high on my list of what I wish I had. Especially now that I am hosting Leah.

I don't want to tag anyone. I don't think many people read this blog and the few who do were already tagged by the others that read this blog.

My Last Will and Testament

A blog dedicated to Karin Brown...to help cure her lack of blogs to read.

I figured I would write a will now since my unborn child is trying to kill me and I might not make it long enough to look up a lawyer, make an appointment and then get all the paperwork filled out. The internet is legally binding isn't it?

To Leah, my unborn child I leave....
1. One gallon of sweat, all from today, a small rubber mallet for hitting herself in the head and a stick to poke her stomach with, so she may see the misery she caused her poor mama before her untimely death.
2. Two boxes full of empty cd cases that have moved 3 times even though all the cd's were stolen out of my car while I was still in college.
3. All of her dad's "family heirlooms" and enough money to rent a truck and take it all the The Antique's Roadshow and find out just how much it's really worth. This includes our most important "family heirloom", the ceramic Easter Bunny that has a date made sticker of 1982.
4. My favorite book, "Where Does the Garbage Go". Her Auntie Ali may try to take it from her since it does say property of Alice Lorraine Yeagley in the front but Leah will need it more. Her dad will say bad things about recycling after I am gone and she needs to know the truth.
5. All 3 dogs and the cat. The dogs will need to be walked twice a day. Please put all the poop bags in the big green bin next to the garage. That is where we keep our poop collection. The cat will likely try to sit on her.
6. The creepy Jesus painting.
7. Uncle Jake's cardboardy doppleganger. She can take it to show and tell when she gets older.
8. All the nativity scenes we have made every christmas including the one made of clay and the one made of cotton balls and the one in which every character in the nativity has a different disease and people have to guess what it is.
9. Jake's wife Therese, I'm sure she'll win us in the divorce.
10. The alarm clock that has some lights out that her grandma bought for me in middle school and I have been too lazy to replace it since then.

This may not seem like much but she is responsible for my demise. In the event that I survive, I am going to drive to NYC, switch her in the middle of the night with Shawn's pug, fake my death and run off to Costa Rica with her college money. Bear and I will live happily ever after.

I have the best sister this side of the Mississippi

Today when I came home from work, I found this. My lovely sister had bought me maternity clothes. I love her. She knows that I hate shopping and she does it for me. It was a late Mother's Day present even though I'm not a mother, unless you count all my many pets but that's just creepy. Please also note our new frog shaped humidifier. It helps me to breathe at night and therefore sleep. It is the best friend Dave has made since moving to North Carolina.

I would also like to take this time to thank my Mother in Law, Nancy, who has funded all the other maternity purchases I have made.

And also Emily Righter and her sisters even if they don't know that they loaned me all their maternity clothes. All the pants go up to my armpits. No for real. They actually go up to my armpits. I saw in a magazine once where some rich person who was clearly too full of themself wore really long pants and put a belt around the top so it looked like a whole outfit. I think it was Sienna Miller. I could do that with them. Don't worry, I won't, but I could.

So once again, thanks to everyone who supports the Big Orange Baby by helping me to not get beat up on the mean streets of Cary for wearing inappropriate clothing whilst I grow in the middle.

Donna Hogan stole my identity...not really.

So my identity was stolen again. Once again, the evil one bought about $750 worth of Bed Bath & Beyond gift cards but this time, instead of the phone sex and plane tickets, he/she purchased a $300 haircut, a rental car and paid their storage bill.

I really do want to know who did it just so I can act out those commercials so this time I decided I would pick who did it. I chose Donna Hogan, estranged sister of the late Anna Nicole Smith. I chose her for the following reasons...

1. She is trying to completely remake herself like Anna Nicole-hence needing a really expensive haircut.

2. He was on Dr. Phil and other media outlets recently pushing her new book in which she blasts Anna Nicole for a variety of things including giving naked pictures of herself to their father, therefore she would need a rental car to drive to the studios.

3. She will need a storage space to store all the books that are printed that nobody will buy because she didn't actually know Anna Nicole so all of her stuff must be lies. Plus, the time when she could have known her was before she was famous and lets face it, people will be even less interested.

4. All the charges were in Texas and I don't know anybody in Texas so I had to make up a random person.

DONNA FAYE HOGAN, GIVE ME BACK MAH AHDENTITAH (that is my pathetic attempt at a Texas accent in written form)

I cooked for the first time since 1987

Last night I made potato soup. Now that the Big Orange Baby steals all my food from me, the Big Orange desires to eat certain things. Normally, I just make Ali cook for me but I refuse to make her cook me things she can't eat. Every time I cook, Dave says it is the first time. This is not all the way true. While we could probably count the number of times I have cooked something since we have been together on one hand, it is not the first. Liz suggested we make a list of every time so when he says that we can refer to the list and prove him wrong. Emily noted, "you have a blog". So here is the list of everything I have ever cooked since I have known Dave. It is short.

1. Tuna noodle casserole. I don't remember what year. Maybe 2004ish
2. For Ali's birthday I had to make an "audition" chocolate torte a week before the actual event so she could make sure I wasn't incompetent.
3. The actual birthday chocolate torte.
4. Liz and I made pumpkin spice cookies. Liz mostly made this while I bossed her around which is how we work in the kitchen probably much to her dismay.
5. Liz and I make sweet potato wedges for every holiday meal. That is our only job before. She actually makes them by herself for all the Ohio meals because I am not at her house. I would help her if she wanted me to though. I do the dishes afterwards.
6. Chicken and noodles because we moved to NC and can't go to Nancy's Diner on Thursdays and I feel really bad about that. I never made it again even though I really should because it was actually pretty good. I even had to merge together a few recipes which is a huge feat for me.
7. Once I tried to make buckwheat noodles so Ali could have Yaki Soba. Big disaster. All of it went in the trash because it was so gross. I really shouldn't mention this. But it is the effort that truly counts.
8. Potato soup. Everyone who ate it said it was good. Liz and I rock. So there. We also made boston creme pie but that was from a box and so it doesn't count.

Look at that Dave, I made it onto two hands.