One time Ali and I stole some liccorice out of the cupboard when we weren't supposed to. Our mom found the wrapper evidence and Ali let me take the fall even though it was her idea in the first place.
Therefore, yesterday I did the following things:
*Made my sister Emily call her while she was getting electrodes stuck to her head to tell her that the old lady that was kidnapped from her neighborhood was found in a wash in bad shape and the guy that did it is still on the loose and is trying to break into more houses in their neighborhood and the police came around to warn everyone (I actually had a much less credible lie that Emily had to mold into this masterpiece)
*Forced her to eat food she knew would make her really sick really fast so she would get a really severe stomach ache
*Made her look at pictures of aborted babies and animal cruelty from drug and cosmetic testing while getting her own blood drawn while me and two other technicians yelled at her repeatedly to open her eyes and look. LOOK AT THE PICTURES AND LOOK AT ALL THE BLOOD!
*Made her drink Coca Cola Classic that expired in 2005 that she reported tasted like sewage. I didn't do this on purpose though.
I did not do the following things but was prepared to if needed:
*Slap her in the face
*Turn on a strobe light
*Have a random stranger call from my cell phone to tell her I was in a car accident
*Force her to debate me on making third trimester abortions, testing on prisoners and mandatory sterilization for crack addicts legal while I flicked her in the face
In the name of science, Amen.
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10 comments:
You get to have all the fun. Where's MY revenge? I'd've showed up unannounced and said that I was fired from my job for stealing ("It's all a misunderstanding. Also, they're out to get me") and that I needed to crash at her house for a month or two while I got back on my feet.
Firstly, I was never really that mean to you in childhood like I was the little girls.
Also, you failed to mention all the plotting you did with the staff ahead of time. But you did a good job creating my personal worst nightmare yesterday. It's like I was in a horror movie just for me. Surely if others would have been watching this, they'd be yelling, "Don't go in there!" at me.
As for the food, it was spicy Indian chased by a vanilla-strawberry Goodberry's shake, and the sewer expired Coke Classic that you purchased from the Chinese grocery next to the Indian restaurant. Very delicious and very painful (minus the sewer Coke Classic).
And finally, you forgot to tell everyone you were successful in getting me to go down.
Last night when I called Jake to tell him what happened, he couldn't stop laughing and wished that he could have flown out to help with my own personal hell.
If I had to make Jake pass out, I would fake my death and draft a fake will that said he had to be the guardian of my child and I didn't leave him any money.
Yeah, I know you weren't that mean to me in childhood. That's why I had to put something so dumb to get even for.
Secondly, I wasn't really that mean since I was doing it to help you so once you add in the nice factor to the mean factor, it is about equal to the liccorice incident.
I do whole heartedly agree that if people were watching it, they would say "Why is she so dumb? She should know not to go in there"
Thirdly, the reason I didn't mention that I called the staff ahead of time to be mean to you is because they were the nicest most cordial and caring group of health professionals out there. Or failures as I will call them in the future.
Fallon says I am truly evil.
If you left me baby Leah to raise, I would change her name to "Karen Sucks And I'm Glad She's Dead". And I would encourage her to go out for team sports so that they published her name in the local papers and announced her at games and pep rallies.
Also, I would do that to Dave, too.
All of that to have a stomach ache?
I don't know what I would do to make someone's personal hell. I would have to think about it.
Not just a stomach ache Karin, but to lose consciousness. Creating a personal hell really depends on the person. For instance, if I were trying to create Em's personal hell I would enclose her in very small quarters with a large live squirrel population and her FIL, and also make her role play all the worst ways that H could die. She would be down in no time.
That is not delightful. But very creative. And I can vouch for expired Coke. It is nasty. My grandmas have their stores of soda in the garages and once in a while you come across a bad one. Yech!
I might start calling Leah Karen Sucks and I'm Glad She's Dead anyway, because what a cool name!
So which of your other life goals do you plan to tackle next?
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