Revenge of the Liccorice Fall Guy

One time Ali and I stole some liccorice out of the cupboard when we weren't supposed to. Our mom found the wrapper evidence and Ali let me take the fall even though it was her idea in the first place.

Therefore, yesterday I did the following things:

*Made my sister Emily call her while she was getting electrodes stuck to her head to tell her that the old lady that was kidnapped from her neighborhood was found in a wash in bad shape and the guy that did it is still on the loose and is trying to break into more houses in their neighborhood and the police came around to warn everyone (I actually had a much less credible lie that Emily had to mold into this masterpiece)

*Forced her to eat food she knew would make her really sick really fast so she would get a really severe stomach ache

*Made her look at pictures of aborted babies and animal cruelty from drug and cosmetic testing while getting her own blood drawn while me and two other technicians yelled at her repeatedly to open her eyes and look. LOOK AT THE PICTURES AND LOOK AT ALL THE BLOOD!

*Made her drink Coca Cola Classic that expired in 2005 that she reported tasted like sewage. I didn't do this on purpose though.

I did not do the following things but was prepared to if needed:

*Slap her in the face

*Turn on a strobe light

*Have a random stranger call from my cell phone to tell her I was in a car accident

*Force her to debate me on making third trimester abortions, testing on prisoners and mandatory sterilization for crack addicts legal while I flicked her in the face

In the name of science, Amen.

Tournament Picks

My work is kindly hosting one of those tournament pick things where everyone fills in the brackets for March Madness and then whoever wins gets money. They are footing the bill so it doesn't cost anything to enter. I know nothing about basketball so I had to come up with a way to make my picks.

Emily suggested I take the mascots from each team and see who could win in a fight. We had a really lengthy discussion about hats with legs vs. turtles and poisonous nuts vs. I don't remember what the other mascot was. Anyhow, I decided not to use that method since I don't know many mascots so the research it would take would be equivelant to looking up to see who was better and making legitimate choices.

I also thought about doing it alphabetically backwards. I decided that wasn't fun enough. The method I picked was this. For each school, I chose the team for which I knew someone who attended or lived near there. Then when I had people I knew from each team I figured it based on who would win in a fight. It was a tough choice. I had to choose between some really tough competitions. Like, who would win in a fight between my parents and Devin. This was a really tough choice because there are two of my parents and one Devin but my parents aren't much for fighting and Devin is all athletic and stuff.

Also, I had to pit Ali and Jake. They have a long history with no clear winner and now they are all friendly. I had to pick Ali because it was UNC and she still had a lot of her fury back in her UNC days.

I'm sorry Emily and AJ, but I put my money on April when you had to fight her because I know neither of you would ever hit my sister and she would definately hit you if I got her drunk enough.

I also had to make some tough choices among people who's fighting skills I'm not that familiar. Who would win between Aunt Nancy and Uncle Gary vs Dave's cousin Julie? That Julie sure has a lot of Moxie but she's so small and there's two of them. I decided their's would be a battle of wits and still couldn't come out with a winner. Both sides are really intelligent.

My mom did lose to one of my old bosses. She was like Miss Trunchbull from Matilda. I think she secretly had a chokey in her cubicle.

Emily and AJ beat the lady that cuts my hair and all the Stewarts living in Cali beat the receptionist here at work's boyfriend.

Devin beat the Trunchbull.

But as we all know, nothing beats the fury that comes from my lovely sister Ali. Congrats UNC. Get me $150.

Least Dangerous Roommate I Ever Had

I think everyone should be in a car pool. Not because of all the gas you save and less traffic. Because it is where you have some good conversation. Todays topic. Least dangerous roommate I ever had. Emily's is a girl named Amy. Mine is Mack Dockery. Here are some fun facts and stories about Mack.

This is not actually Mack but he kind of looks like this.

-Mack was 73 years old. He is probably dead now. If he is alive, he is 78.



-Mack had 2 pictures hanging on his wall, a drinking dipolma and a Bob Ross painting he did himself



-I saw Mack naked twice.



-Mack believed Sears, insurance companies and Social Security were conspiring to take his money



-Mack thought running a fridge would cost too much for electricity so he put the perfectly good fridge in the basement and stacked two mini fridges in the kitchen. One for me and one for him.



-Mack said all the shows that get filmed at night are done so the networks can save money on lighting and when I told him they are actually filmed during the day and then they darken them in editing he didn't believe me.



-Mack thought I worked in a slipper factory because when I wrote down my work phone number he mistook a 9 for a 5 and called a slipper factory. No matter how many times I told him I didn't work there he always thought I did. The people at the slipper factory also told him I didn't work there but he didn't believe them either.



-Mack had 14 siblings and grew up in the Appalaichan Mountains in a house with no plumbing and electricity. He knocked up his girlfriend at 16 and decided he didn't want to live his father's life and take over at the mill so he skedaddled and left the kid and the girlfriend to become a high plains drifter. He got jobs in factories and on farms and would work to the first paycheck, buy a lot of whiskey and hit the road. He would hitch a ride however he could, trucks, trains whatever. He made it all the way to California. He was a hobo. Yeah, I lived with a hobo.



-Mack is wary of living with women. He never got married and didn't much care for his sisters. When I first called to rent a room he hung up on me and called back later. When I moved out he told me that if living with a woman was like living with me, it wouldn't be so bad. I took that as a high complement despite the fact that he kind of told me I wasn't a woman. I apparently didn't have nearly as much cosmetics and knick knacks as he thought one would come with and I came with my own fire extinguisher so I wasn't such a hazard. A side note though, Emily, try not to scream in your cubicle, it's not professional. Mack didn't want to live with ladies but that didn't mean Mack didn't like the ladies. He had copious amounts of an herbal supplement to strengthen his libido and there were constantly phone calls from anonymous women.



-After I moved out, I still checked up on Mack now and then. Once, he didn't return my phone calls for a few days and so I left him a message saying if he didn't call me back I would assume he was dead and break into his house. The reason he didn't call me back was because he got a bottle of whiskey one night and got really drunk. He fell down the stairs on the way to his room and passed out. Jeff, who we will get to in a minute, is a hypochondriac. He called 911 and the operator told him to see if Mack was breathing. Jeff explained that he could not because Mack was bleeding and he might get a disease if he went downstairs. They argued for a half hour about this until the ambulance showed up. Mack spent a day or two in the hospital and didn't call me back because he was back home but still didn't feel like getting out of his birthday suit and was afraid I would come over.



-Jeff is the guy who rented the room before and after me. Mack took care of Jeff. Jeff was a born again who's church told him the reason he was sick was that there were demons in the house. He had to leave. Jeff was an orderly at a hospital, a terrible job for a hypchondriac to have. Every day he would come over to Mack's and Mack would wash his shoes and shoelaces for him. Mack called him Howard Hughes, or Mr. Hughes if he was feeling formal. Jeff would go to Taco Bell and buy five burritos hoping one would not be contaminated. He would watch all the news specials about mold and stuff and then throw everything out into the back yard. Dave and I would periodically have to come pick it all up and take it to Goodwill. I did get a nice toilet brush out of it though.



-Mack fed all the diseased and busted up stray cats in the neighborhood. There were about 20 cats that he had named.



-The reason he is the least dangerous roommate I ever had is that he was completely blind in one eye with tunnel vision in the other, he was completely deaf in one ear and could barely hear out of the other and he couldn't move very well.



I only lived there for two months. It was a good time.

Fat Bottomed Girl, You Make the Rockin' World Go Round

Only about 3% of the people who read this blog will understand that title. I know Liz will though. Anyhow, we tried to put Leah in the cloth diapers today. They have yet to fit her but I try about every other week. This time, she resembled Grimace with her purple sleeper and all that junk in her trunk. Have a looksie...







Get on your bike and ride, Leah. Or in your case, you're blue hippo that eats blocks.

I Hereby Nominate Dave and I for Parents of the Year

Cause we let Shatner be the primary care giver at our house.

Spring is Here

Leah has officially declared winter over. She does not think groundhogs are a good indicator of seasons. It's 75 degrees here and she wants to wear this dress before she grows out of it. Later, she will take the dogs for a nice long walk.

Jumping on the Recipe Bandwagon

Since everyone posts great recipes all the time I figured I would post one too. Most of you know I'm not much of a cook so this is a fairly easy crock pot recipe. It isn't often that Dave lets me near the thing so I don't make it often. This meal was actually discovered by Liz and I. We decided to do a little experimenting in the kitchen one day.


Slow Cooked Roast Leah
________________________

9 1/2 pounds Leah
6 cups Apple Juice
2 tsp Oregano
1 tsp Salt
1/2 tsp Black Pepper
1 Tbs Garlic Flakes

Mix spices and rub into skin of raw Leah. Place Leah in crock pot. Pour apple juice in bottom. Cook on low heat for 6 hours. Let stand for 30 minutes before serving. Best served with White Zinfandel. Serves 6.



This image shows all the ingredients ready for cooking in the crock pot.



Here is the meal ready to serve.




What a delicious meal. I could go for seconds.

My Dreams Came True and a Man Almost Died All for Ali's Birthday

I celebrated Ali's birthday all day today. Everything that happened was for her. It wasn't just me though. Many others celebrated as well.

At 2:00 am, a man crashed his pickup truck head on into the tree 10 feet away from Leah's room after knocking down a light pole in honor of Ali's 32 years of life.

I went to the doctor for my post natal checkup and let someone get pretty familiar in honor of Ali's 3.2 decades. I don't normally let people get that fresh unless they buy me computers and bikes and then marry me and father my child...but for Ali's birthday I let it slide.

Leah blew out a diaper in the front and the back just so she could put on a new outfit for the most important social event of the year, Ali's birthday party.

Most importantly, Chipotle opened a new location WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE OF MY HOUSE, and gave away free burritos all day for Ali's birthday. We decided to have Ali's birthday party there. We made Chipotle themed party hats and had a cake but we had to take the cake home and eat it because when we finished our burritos it was just us and 20 or so employees, who ate pizza instead of burritos.


Here I am, basking in the bliss of the close proximity to my house.


Here is Liz. We made the hats together on Pie Sunday. Long live Pie Sunday even if there is no pie!!!


Here is Emily. I think she would have worn her hat for the entire meal if it would have stayed on.


Dave was thoroughly embarrassed that we made him wear this hat and is dreading me putting this picture here. He is also worried that Candace, the manager, is going to post them on Chipotle's website since she took pictures of her own. He did say his burrito was good.


H had the best time because he made lots of lifelong friends, He had a good time despite his mom telling him that if he took off his hat, Aliens would be able to monitor his thoughts.


Leah opted to sleep since she wasn't going to get her burrito for another three hours or so.


Ali's cake was made of wheat. We celebrated being able to eat that as well. It says "WE LOVE WHEAT + ALI" in case you can't tell.




We had to put the candles on the sides since we ran out of room on the top.


Then I got to eat Ali.


We had one piece of cake left and Emily suggested in a whispery evil voice that we save it for Ali. AJ had to miss it for school. Nothing good ever comes from stupid dumb old school.

HAPPT BIRTHDAY ALI. I hope tomorrow is just as eventful for Dad's birthday, So far I have an oil change lined up. Can't wait.

Scooters and Baby Mullets: The Story of Last Month

Big month last month. HUGE month last month. So we all know I had the Big Orange Baby and she turned out to weigh in at 6 pounds, 13 ounces with dark brown hair. This in combination with a lot of other things has made me not blog. Mostly my own laziness. Let this be the official Big Orange Family holiday newsletter. We have never sent one before so it's really a step up and not down. Mom, this is not the kind of blog post you like and you already know all the info in it so don't bother to read it.

Let the updating begin...

1st. The Big Orange Baby has finally become big and orange. Her hair lightened to a lovely orangeish shade and she is rapidly gaining weight. So much so that she has already grown out of all the clothes Grandma Nancy was kind enough to buy her. Sometimes I think if I had a few more of her, I could go to Egypt and build a new pyramid. Then H comes over and I realize he is like the Andre the Giant of babies. I have decided his head will be my new unit of measurement. Special thanks to the Righters and Carriers for all the yummy food. For it was that what put the big in Big Orange Baby.

2nd. I noticed that in blogger the examples of labels for posts are scooters, vacation and fall. The latter two seem reasonable but really, how many people do you know that need a whole category for scooters. This is my first and only post ever labeled and I promise I will somehow work scooters into it.

3rd. Christmas was loverly. Grandma Nancy was kind enough to come visit and help me out a ton. She stayed for almost two weeks. I will be sad to have my month of no baby crying outside the door showers and no baby in the front carrier mad that she can't see dog walks over. We miss her very much.

4th. Grandma Yeagley came after Christmas and helped me out another ton. I barely had room in my house for all the tons of help I have been getting. Grandpa also came and between all of us, we built my new office. I like it a lot.

5th. Jack Jack, our streak of evil white dog, weighs about 3 H heads and is strong enough that he can pull me on a razor scooter down the street. It is really fun and I recommend everyone come over for a ride. Perhaps when the weather is a little nicer. He enjoys it so don't worry about the animals harmed or exploited for my own entertainment. It is actually the only way that he can run as fast as he wants to since I am really not much of a runner at all.

6th. A bittersweet goodbye. Liz moved all the way to Apex. I really needed to have her room to be a home office but I miss her so much. Why couldn't she just build a house in the common area behind my house? I think Sophie considered it her day of liberation. At least we'll have pie Sunday (if I ever stop canceling it).

7th. The great hair debate. Although Leah's hair has definately lightened to a nice orange, the question remains, is the hair in the back duck hair or a mullet? I say baby mullet. Dave says duck hair. It started out that it was just a little longer in the back. then the top started falling out. She has a mullet. I don't see how the point can be argued. I believe Dave just doesn't want to admit his daughter was born with the same haircut he sported when he won homecoming king back in 1986.

8th. Ali's nickname for Scott is Scooter.

9th. Ali wanted really badly to have a drama free year. She almost or maybe did pass out at the doctor on January 3rd. She made it 3 days. The doctor seemed really freaked out and didn't want me to leave him alone with her so badly that he made a nurse go get her some juice. It took them 7 tries to get her blood pressure. Leah decided that was the perfect moment to do a big job in her pants and scream about it. No matter how I tried to explain that this was not about her right now she wouldn't be quiet. You just can't reason with that kid.

10th. I cried 2 H heads full of tears. Hormones are tricky devils. I haven't cried this much since I started birth control for the first time. Or when Josh fell off the wood pile and broke his arm and I thought it was my fault for not telling on them because I knew they were doing something wrong. Yes, I was a big sissy when I was little. Then again as a first time mom. I cried for the following reasons...
They are opening a Chipotle within walking distance of my house
Maria was sent back to the convent on the Sound of Music
Leah was crying in the car with me while Dave was inside buying diapers
We took her to the doctor
Breastfeeding hurts. I cried many times for this.
Leah was crying because I ate pepperoni pizza and it made her stomach hurt and I couldn't do anything about it
Leah is pretty
At least 4 t.v. commercials.

11th. Dave and I have combined sucked out 1 H head's worth of snot with that magic blue rubber ball.

12th. Our heat broke. It was out for 2 days. We holed up in our bedroom. We had 2 adults, 2 dogs, 1 baby and 1 cat all sleeping in our bed at various points. Don't worry, the baby was not sleeping at the same time as the adults. We know it is unsafe. Big thanks to AJ who spent hours working with Dave on it and to Brian, Ashley's fiance, who finally made it work. Also thanks to Liz, Scott, Emily, AJ and Ali who all offered us a warm place to hang out until it was fixed. Leah is really sick of being wrapped up in seven million blankets. She wants to stretch those gams of hers as much as possible. On a nice note, we have extended the holidays because the most warmest sleepers we have for her are all the babies first Christmas ones.

13th. Mom, Ali, Leah and I took a trip to VA to visit Mummu and cousins. We had a good time. We all got sick. Dave was right. I hope he doesn't read this part.

14th. The Great Game Exchange finally happened and we played a game called Fib or Not in which we learned my Dad's first kiss was with a girl named Charmin Somerfrucht (pronounced Summer Fruit).

15th. Leah had a baby blessing by her Grandpa.

16th. A scooter (really a corruption of the word scoter) is a large black diving duck.

Loveliest Holiday Wishes to All,

Love The Bells

The Best Day of Work Ever.

So I have a really gross rash. It is called PUPPP. I went to the doctor and they gave me a steroid cream that gives me a feeling of euphoria. They warned me it might happen but I didn't know the complete goodness that would be my day yesterday. I only have to put the cream on the actual rash so as it goes away I use less and less and have less and less euphoria. Yesterday however, was the first day of the cream so the rash was all over my stomach, arms and legs and I spread that sweet goodness on 2/3 of my body. What a wonderful morning. I spent 1 hour of it staring at my computer giggling and most of the rest of the time staring at the receptionist giggling. She and the office manager tried to take advantage of my drunken state by asking me to do things I wouldn't normally do. The magical cream allowed me to keep my sensibilities but still have all the good feelings. It was like laughing gas but I could see straight. I wish everyone could have this cream. I think we all need it. Every day. Don't worry Jake, if there is any left I will definately send it to you.

Call for recipes.

Ali has been told she has to go completely gluten free so I am putting out a call for recipes that are wheat free, gluten free, nut free, melon free, shell fish free and peanut free. This rules out oat flour as a substitute. She does good with rice flour. I am not a cooking type of person and she is too sick to do much research on her own. I am hoping to compile a bunch of recipes and get her family, friends and Relief Society to pitch in and help out making her some food.

Please see if you can find anything and post it in my comments.

It's Big, It's Orange and It's a Baby

It is official. The Big Orange Baby is big. She weighs in right now at a whopping 7 pounds. With four weeks to go she will likely be born at 8 pounds. Just like her mama. Not like her eensy weensy daddy who was a mere 5 pounds. I would be willing to be $5 that 3 of those pounds are from Aquanet since she is working on her hair still. How I managed to raise such a vain daughter I will never know.

Leah's Luscious Lenugo Locks

Potential portrait of my lovely Leah

I was at the doctor with my sister the other day and we were trying to schedule a procedure around my due date and the nurse made a rather strange comment. She said the reason Leah hasn't yet been born is because she is doing her hair and make up so she will be pretty when she comes out.

The first image to pop into my head was of Leah, looking like a monkey and combing her lenugo. She hasn't got any hair on her head so I imagine she has one of those small black combs you get at school for picture day and she is combing that fine hair all over her body. Then I picture the wolf people from circus freak shows.

I am thinking I need to schedule a c-section right away because if I push her out the traditional way, most of her hair will come off and she will be one angry baby since she is clearly spending at least 4 weeks working on making sure the part in her knee hair is really straight.

Secondly, I hope she has waterproof mascara because if she makes her grand entrance into the world with smudged eyes, none of us will be impressed and it may be like a scene from Carrie. You just don't realize how tough parenting will really be.

I Got Your Blog War Right Here

I have a confession to make. My husband has some disabilities. He has an unfortunate condition in which he cannot perceive a situation correctly. He can take a simple statement not related to him or about him and turn it into persecution toward himself. His paranoia runs deep. For example. I mentioned to him that it was NaBloPoMo or whatever that is supposed to really be and that we knew some people that were participating but I was not. I had briefly considered making daily comments on those blogs out of support but decided that I wouldn't make promises I couldn't keep. Poor Dave took that to mean that, Liz, Ali and I were forcing him to blog every day. Do you see what a sad life he must lead?

I know you must all be thinking how generous I am to marry such a person with so much strife. In addition to his disability, he is over 100 years old and wants to force me to work concessions for the rest of my life. I am very generous internet. I just can't help it. I love him and he helps us to maintain a higher ratio of orange in our household. Now that Casey has passed we only have 1 orange dog left and so the 2 of us must strive to offset the gray cat and other small demon white dog.

Hopefully, someday there will be a cure for his disability.

I Got Tons of Loot and I didn't Even Have to Eat Unlabled Baby Food

2007 marks the year of the best baby shower ever had. There are so many things that make it superior.

1. Full Thanksgiving Meal
2. Ali dressed as a slutty trophy wife
3. I was able to take the prettiest baby dress ever and make it wierd (it was being pulled on a sled led by a ceramic dog)
4. The only game played was a murder mystery in which everyone wore costumes and really got into their parts. I don't think I have ever seen such good impromptu actors in my life.
5. The cake had turkeys dressed in diapers
6. My dad came
7. The awsomest ever people that threw it made it the perfect baby shower for me by having an office gift exchange as part of the party so I wouldn't have to sit in the middle of the room and open all the presents whilst everyone stared at me oohing and aahing
8. My husband spent the entire night hitting on his cousin
9. My husband in the game was an infant. I guess now I know a little about how Dave feels being married to me, a person more than a decade younger than him. I don't typically ask him to change my diaper though.
10. The Golden Girls came
11. Fallon's glasses.
12. Dave and I are 80% equipped for the Big Orange Baby. She is coming in 7 weeks or so.


There are many more reasons that I can't remember at the present moment because I am really pregnant and dumber than the mechanical dancing turkey that currently adorns our tv cabinet but I just want to say thank you again to Ali, Liz, Emily and anyone else that helped them to get this. I think this party has outdone all the other ones we did but I may be biased because it was so tailored towards me.

Also, thanks to everyone who came and everyone who has sent us gifts. This is not a cheesy replacement for real thank you cards. I will send you one.

One more thing...Liz...are you my mummy?

BBQ Angst

Dave got a new grill for his birthday. It brings a whole new joy to Hunk-a-Chuck Sunday, much like the new apron he got from the Righters to commerate this blessed weekly occasion. What is really the most funny is that Dave has a new grill log. I win and I lose. I, his anal retentive wife, push Excel spreadsheets on people like it is crystal meth. I believe they are magical and addictive. I will always format the first one for free. Now, he is using it to perfect his meat preparation. I don't hate pork and beef but I don't love it as much as he does. Liz and I like to pretend that Dave's log entries go a little something like this...

Date: 10/14/07
Weather: Sunny
Wind: Lite at about 10 mph
Temp: mid 70's
Meat: Pork (10 lbs)

Dear BBQ Grill Log,

It has been a rough day today. Karen and Liz still complain about the vast amounts of meat I prepare each Sunday. Every week I tell Liz, "This is the week if ever to change your life forever and try a succulent piece of non poultry meat". Every week she rebuffs me with a scoff and some Wendy's chicken nuggets. When will she see the light? I think about reading passages to her from my new BBQ cookbook that I got for my birthday to help her see the error of her ways but she just won't listen.

On another note, I am a little concerned. I just love the new grill so much that I'm worried when Leah is born I won't be able to choose between it and her. I know she is my daughter but she doesn't smoke anything.

I heard a new joke today... An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. 'Let's have a BBQ party, Homer,' she suggested. 'Let's kill a pig.' The farmer scratched his grizzled head. 'Gee, Ethel,' he finally answered, 'I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Well anyhow, I have to go check the temp or that Boston Butt will never be done.

Until next Sunday,

Dave

Please get your forms in by noon on the 20th

Tonight we were discussing employee evaluations at work and decided perhaps we should have home evaluations as well. Here is a summary of what was discussed.

Dave on Liz:
Liz is froo froo, she won’t try new things, she can’t keep secrets and she gets around. She is not however, snooty. Liz is a communist. Liz has stolen Dave’s tv show and ruined it for him.

Dave on Karen:
Karen is also froo froo and a communist. Karen has recently started making everyone who gets up get her stuff. Karen says it is because she is really pregnant and it is hard to move. Dave has better things to do with his time besides make Karen “milk shakes” all day. Karen also has stolen Dave’s tv shows in the past and Dave will have to go back and start completely over.

Karen on Dave:
Dave is continually trying to give Karen a heart attack by making plans to sell barbeque out of a van on the side of the road with a guy named Andy that she has never met. Karen would like a camera crew to follow Dave around and record all the things he says so when he tells her that certain parts of her lower half are in severe pain from her lying she will have evidence.

Karen on the dogs:
They smell bad and shed too much. Casey is way past his expiration date and if the cat tries to make out with her anymore, the cat is permanently moving to the porch.

Dave on the dogs:
Casey doesn’t smell bad. He has a purebred smell that is neither good nor bad. As soon as he passes, he will immediately be replaced with another giant hairy red dog.

Liz on Dave:
Dave doesn’t listen very well. He should just accept the fact that Liz does not eat beef or pork. He should also stop trying to convince her that her life would change for the better if she would just eat more meats. Liz is not a communist. Liz enjoys watching television with the entire household and Dave will not cooperate and refuses to join in the social activities therefore putting a halt to all household good time fun.

Liz on the dogs:
When it is cold, the dogs are obligated to keep Liz warm.

Karen on Liz:
The color of Liz’s hair is dirty.

Liz on Karen:
On her birthday, Karen has a responsibility to celebrate herself.

As if you spent your morning doing anything better.

I'm sorry Ann, but when you posted this picture of Evan, I got all these images in my head and I had to get them out. Your son looks like he could be robbing trains in the Old West for a living (or maybe in the New West. I don't know how easy that would be these days). Please don't take offense. I think your son is very cute. Emily said you would be ok with it so get mad at her instead.

I may not be a good artist but I know what funny is.

Also, sorry that some lady decided to wear the tightest jeans she could find on the ranch.

Per Jake's Request...

...here is our family portrait.

Fact: I am not a good drawer in Paint (That is Drah-err, not like a dresser drohr)

Fact: I am really not a good drah-err anywhere. I shouldn't just blame a bad program. After all, Paint really did provide Jake with seconds of entertainment on my last post.

Fact: Our mother did not leave us, she is merely on vacation in the post below.

Fact: All the kids are wearing our Yeagley numbered shirts but the numbers are on the back. Dad is wearing his General Cleanup shirt but I didn't even want to attempt to draw Mr. Clean.

Fact: The only attempt at any emotion I made in my artwork is Jake is growling and clenching his fists to show how strong he is. I hear he wants to poke the bear now that she has butt brain.

Fact: The Bear really is much closer to Jake's height in real life but I figured it would add to his showing of strength (really I just have no spacial concept and figured I would make it look intentional)

I don't blame my mom for much...

I don't have a picture of my mom at work so here is one that I drew.

...but I can't fall asleep at night anymore. I have had much time to lay in bed, eat Tums and analyze this situation. I feel it is a combination of my mom's fault and my sister Ali.

I have been a champion sleeper my whole life. I could sleep at any time anywhere. I even fell asleep once at a rock show. A very loud rock show. Now all of the sudden I can't do that anymore. I wind up waking up at 2:00 am and reading for a couple hours just to fall asleep again. My first suspicion was that it was caused by Leah, the bad tenant in my belly. She, however, has been very quiet lately. Probably due to the fact that she knows I'm coming after her for the 6 months of back rent.

But then it hit me. It is the family trait that my mom passed on to my older sister and now to me. I realized that I started taking Thyroid medication right when I got pregnant and now all of the sudden I have my thyroid regulated to the way it should be so it is no longer giving me the gift of a full night of sleep. Darn you thyroid medication. Now that the big problem is taken care of all the little ones can come out, like insomnia. Not cool Mom, not cool.

The reason I blame Ali is because she suffers from insomnia and even though I know it is not contagious, she once blamed me for making her sick even though I was many states away and had not seen her for close to a year. So if that was possible, then so is this. Not cool Ali, not cool.

I sure do miss my Subclinical Hypothyroidism. Maybe it will visit me for a long weekend sometime.

Also not helpful are Jack Jack and Paul. Jack waits until I am asleep to jump on the bed and pin me under my blankets so I can't move and therefore can't sleep. Paul enjoys licking my eyelids and attempts to lick inside my ears at all the wee hours of the morning. She also likes to eat whatever book I am reading.

This is Jack Jack.

This is Paul